Weary

I am all out of faith right now. I am so weary with believing and not seeing results. Oh, I know that God hears and answers each prayer. But how long must I wait? How long must dreams lay dormant before You resurrect them?

Please forgive my unbelief Lord. I cannot muster any faith at this point. I believe Your Word is true. But why does it not come to pass? Why is there only silence echoed in my prayers?

I am so tired of waiting for promises to be fulfilled. I feel as if I have been waiting forever.

There is no formula for faith. No step-by-step instructions. I feel as if I always take the rough path rather than a smooth road. I feel as if I am in a country where I do not know the language, yet I am expected to participate in a complicated business transaction. I feel lost.

Perhaps it is all the old questions that are raised anew. Ones that didn't get answered before, rather they were shoved aside so that I could go on with life. They rise from sepulchres of disbelief where I had buried them, bidden by resurrected sorrow and pain.

And so, I hold on to what little hope still smolders as embers in my heart:

"This too shall pass."

Sharing Sorrow

This weekend I found out a very close friend had miscarried. They were going to be expecting their third child, and it was hopefully to be a boy. So now she is left with shattered joy and a broken heart. She is left with questions that don't have any answers, yet, like me she asks them anyway. All too well, I understand the shock, pain and disbelief she is feeling. I remember feeling so alone. No one in my family understood what I was experiencing.

September 4, 2006 was when I miscarried. In vain I tried to find support, searching for women who had been through what I had been through and could tell me that I could get through it to the other side. There were plenty of secular forums for miscarriage, but they carried no hope. Frustrated, I decided to journal it out.

So for those of you who have been there, and for those of you who have not, I lay my raw emotions, questioning faith and broken heart bare for you to see. Perhaps, through my pain, another woman can find hope that life continues and healing does come...

"But I was still on my period and those are usually mutually exclusive terms --pregnancy and period. Now I was worried about the bleeding whereas before I was having a normal period. Now it was not so normal. I recall feeling so helpless every time I went to the bathroom as I saw more clots pass. Could a newborn growing baby survive the bleeding? With no other information, I decided to believe that God could maintain the life within me as He was the One Who gave it in the first place.

Fervently I prayed and stood in faith as day after day passed with still more bleeding. Then on Sept 4, 2006 I started to cramp badly and ended up in the ER. They did several blood tests and then an ultrasound. The ultrasound finalized the awful truth…there was nothing in my uterus. Nothing left except my broken heart. I remember still believing until the doctor uttered those words. Was it faith or denial, I still cannot tell. But when they finally told me the results of the ultrasound, then reality came crashing down on top of me. Suffocating me. Stripping me of any faith or hope. Leaving me emotionally naked and beaten.

To leave the hospital so broken was so incongruous compared to the births of our two sons. Now I had to go home and tell my husband and children. Not to mention everyone else that we had told. It seemed so cruel to have to relive those moments so painfully still raw and listen as others tried to find something comforting to say. What is the proper response? "Thank you for your thoughts but I still feel like crap." Is that okay? And with a miscarriage so soon into the pregnancy, people around you forget much sooner than if you were bigger and farther along. Does it make it less painful to have it happen earlier on? I hope to never have to find out.

Alegria Corazon… what a beautiful name for what would have been a beautiful baby. I wonder what she would have looked like? Would she have dark hair and eyes like her daddy and brothers? Would she have been less active in-utero than her brothers were? Was she even a she… I don’t even know that much…
What will it be like to meet her for the first time in Heaven? Will she know how much I loved her? Will she know how much her death hurt me and broke my heart? Will she know how excited we all were to have her? How her brothers kissed my belly and gave her hugs? Di d she feel any pain as she died?

Now I am not so sure I want to get pregnant. But I cannot allow the fear of this happening again to run my life. We just passed two cycles and according to the doctor, we have less of a chance of having another miscarriage. What caused the first one? That is what I want to know.

There is a shadow of extreme guilt that follows me around, haunting me at every turn. Why did I have to take hormonal birth control? I knew it would mess me up, but I had no idea that the consequences would be this awful. I feel directly and solely responsible for what happened. How do I forgive myself for killing my baby????? I cannot help but think that if I had never taken the Nuvaring, I would happily be growing out of all of my clothes right now.

**Side note here: When I say that the hormonal birth control would mess me up, I meant that the chemicals and hormones would interfere with my body's natural cycle. I had no inkling that one of the side effects of hormonal birth control could be a viable pregnancy and then miscarriage. I carefully researched the Nuvaring and its side effects as my husband and I believe that life begins at conception, and we didn't want anything that would interfere with a fertilized egg (conceived baby) implanting into the uterus.**

I don’t even know how far along I really was. The only date I have to remember is three days before my birthday. Sept 4th will forever be seared into my memory. I will never forget.

How can you love someone so much that you have never even met? How can it hurt so badly to know someone passed but you only found out about them a week ago?

Miscarriage grief is silent and overwhelming. It is not as if a relative had lived and then died. While a baby is definitely a life from conception onward, society considers it not as bad. Miscarriage grief lingers and others do not understand because so quickly do they forget, for there is nothing to remind them. Forgotten and alone. That is how I feel right now.

Maybe there is no help because people do not want to admit that it could happen to them. If you don’t acknowledge it, it cannot hurt you.

Well, that is all I can muster for tonight. I am going to sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be better."


There is more, but that was the first day I journaled it all out. It was painful to be that raw and honest with myself and my emotions. But it was the beginning of healing for me. Once I could express the turmoil of my soul, I could then slowly pry my battered heart out of the jaws of grief that had gripped it.

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I wish that I had words of comfort to bring to her, but there aren't any that erase the pain. And so I pray for God's transcedent peace, His loving healing touch and complete restoration of her body and soul. I will travel the journey through grief with her, perhaps carried together the burden will be lighter.

Defining Beauty...

Today we are learning about beauty. I took the kids outside and took some candid shots.

After coming back in, Miss Precious was a bit unhappy and so her big brother, Mr. Independent, gave her a hug.

"Mama, is a hug beauty?" he queried.

"Yes, honey. Loving another person is beauty."

Today, beauty was redefined for me...





















Ok, we are all squinting because it has started to rain during our little photo shoot...

















Can you hear beauty?
Listen as it gurgles in a baby’s giggle.
Can you see beauty?
Over there, caught in a joyous grin!
Can you feel beauty?
Snuggle into the warmth of a hug.
Can you touch beauty?
Marvel at the softness of a little hand in yours.
Can you taste beauty?
Encased in a kiss so sweet and tender.

True beauty is discovered in loving another person.

©J. N. Gallegos 2008

Take A Closer Look

As I was listening to Focus on the Family today, the speaker--Rob Parsons--said something profound:


"When the ear never hears praise, the heart loses the will to try."


This was in reference to having a strong-willed child and constantly correcting their behavior. Getting them to sit up straight, clean your room, etc. Yes, those are important things, however as my mother says "Is it of eternal importance?" As parents, particularly mothers, we are so concerned with what others are thinking of our parenting. As if our child were our report card. However, it is up to God to give me the final grade, not my peers.

It is true that children are a reflection of their parents. And as a parent I need to teach my children obedience and basic living skills. But, as a parent, I must remember that what truly matters is the heart of my child.

Mr. Parsons also said that when you have a child who is the type that tends to drive you up the proverbial wall, you can often miss the giftings of God in that child because you are focused on all the negative traits that present themselves more readily. He also said that strong-willed children are often the most merciful and compassionate, but those traits often get overlooked.

Mr. Independent, as you may have guessed by the pseudonym, is my strong-willed child. He is the one who goes left when you say to go right. But, I try to keep in mind that God made him strong-willed with a purpose. (And no, the purpose was not to drive his parents crazy!) Only the Lord knows what that purpose is at this point. It is up to me to harness his independence and teach him how to use it for God's glory.

And as for Mr. Independent, he surprised me by being the first of our children to accept Christ. His little strong-willed heart was softened by the Master Potter's touch and is being molded for His glory...not mine.

So for those of you with independent ones of your own, remember to catch them being good and look closely for the giftings that God has placed in them. Don't overlook the purpose with which God created them.

Hey You Wanna Loan Me $700 Billion?

Yes, that sounds ridiculous doesn't it? Yet, that is in essence what our government is asking us to do with this $700 BILLION bail out that is proposed.

Now, I normally leave financial stuff alone because it really confuses me. I stick to my budget and balance my checkbook and that is about as complicated as my finances get. However, when I am being told that big companies (who have not been balancing their checkbooks or sticking to a budget) need my money (to the tune of seven hundred billion---yes you read that right, b-i-l-l-i-o-n dollars) to bail them out, I stand up and take notice.

Oh sure, the government tells us that it's going to keep these big companies from going under. Aren't we supposed to carry every one else's burdens in this great country of ours? Personally, I don't think I should be expected to foot the bill for some CEO's lack of common sense. Let the big companies crumble, I say. But then in my wise mother's words, "Sounds like a personal problem to me!" (In other words, it is their problem personally) I am not of the persuasion that our economy is heading into a recession, and so what if it does? Perhaps I am a bit too straightforward to some people's liking, but it's my opinion.

If you want to learn about an alternative that won't end up costing you BILLIONS of dollars, go here and be sure to tell your congressman how you feel about footing the bill for someone else's stupidity!

Not paying for someone else's mistake, it's what works for me!

How Low Can You Go?

Here in the FITPH household, we are taking a refresher course on Financial Peace. This week's focus is on cash flow planning, aka budgeting. In Financial Peace University, Dave advocates a zero based budget. I had to chuckle to myself as I reread that as our current budget goes below zero, if you know what I mean!

So, in an fit of curiosity, I decided to see how much we were in the negative each month. I re-examined our income, which has increased--Thank You Lord---due to a recent raise my husband received. I looked through our expenses and decided the only two places to cut back were groceries and gas. Everything else is a fixed expense, such as utilities and the mortgage.

In an effort to be thorough, I went through our food expenses for the whole year. (I have been keeping all the receipts for the month and then tallying them up into different categories. It is a super easy way to keep a detailed record of your expenditures!) At the beginning of the year, our food expenses hovered around $700/ month for a family of five. It was in the beginning that I first began to realize we were spending way too much on groceries. So my goal became $500/ month. I cut coupons, shopped the sales and by May managed to bring total food expenses down to $535.

However, the past couple of months have been really tight so I have not been able to buy a paper and take advantage of the coupons. I had been procrastinating on tallying up August's receipts because I was afraid of what I would find. Slowly I entered in the numbers. Cringing as it climbed past $100...sweating as it reached $200 and then I ran out of receipts! I checked to make sure there weren't any more lurking on my desk...nope...the total for August groceries was $269! I couldn't believe my eyes so I ran the numbers again, and then again. It was correct.

I plugged my grocery total into my new budget and found that if I cut back groceries to $200/month for our family, that our budget would be in the positive and not the negative! God is so faithful to bless what we give to Him!

So I am excited to try out my new zero based budget! I try to think of it as a challenge rather than an obligation.

So how low can you go? :)

Week Two: Letter 'B'

First of all I must mention that today is my son's birthday! My firstborn is six today....wow, time sure flies by! I remember bringing him home from the hospital and having a minor panic attack as I realized that I had no idea how to care for a baby! But God is good and my baby was a smiley, inquisitive and so sweet one :)
He has grown up so much. He is still smiley, inquisitive and sweet though. The first one to steal my heart...

I love you Mr. Dramatic! Happy Sixth Birthday!


So in honor of this birthday, we are going to Burger King for lunch AND we are going to meet Daddy at work so he can celebrate the birthday lunch with us. The kids are really excited :)

Oh and did anyone notice how b-irthday begins with 'b'? Perfect object lesson...lol! We will probably stop by the pet store to look at the animals, that was one of his requests as well. No, we will not be b-uying anything, we just go to look. After the pet store, we will probably stop by the library to pick up some b-ooks. I am going to try to find some with a focus on 'b'.

It will be a fun-filled day today!

Sorry for the Absence...

Wow, I just realized I have not been keeping up on my blog! So for those of you who have been thinking that I have been swallowed alive by homeschooling, you are right! It is more labor-intensive than I ever thought! My mom is amazing...she homeschooled my sister and I as well as working full-time. I think I would have blown a mental circuit if I had to do that. Anyway, I am working to find the rhythm in it all. Especially in the dance between me and the housework...

As for burnout, we have successfully avoided that since we decreased school hours. (Perhaps from 9-2 was a bit long for preschoolers.) Now we are 9-12, at the very most. And remember my carefully thought out unit studies, well I decided to go with something easier.

Enter, the Letter of the Week. It's not original, but boy is it a LOT easier to plan! We started off with 'A' because I am one to not think outside of the box. Begin at the beginning, you know!

However, I did throw a little something of my own into it. The ABC's of God's Character. So beginning with 'A' we have: God is Almighty. Mark 10:27 is our verse. But the hard part is explaining to preschoolers what almighty means. I came up with "God can do anything!" and that He is stronger and more powerful than anyone.

We practiced reading the word 'all' and any other words that contained it, for example: ball, tall, call, hall, mall, small, etc. And I made up a short story about a little boy who loses his ball and is looking everywhere for it. The story had all the 'all' words in it too. The boys loved it! And they remembered the words and the story.

Other ideas I have is to make lunchtime something that begins with the LOTW. Like apples for 'a'...

So God is good and faithful to bring creativity when I ask for it.

That is what we are up to right now. I'll keep you posted!

Burn Out...

Yesterday was the most awful homeschooling day and we were only into week two! I thought that my boys had gotten pretty well acquainted with their numbers 1-20 so I decided to see if they could fill in the blanks. I am so sad to report that they couldn't even follow the simple fill in the blanks with the ANSWER KEY! Needless to say it was very frustrating for all involved.

Throughout the torture, I mean math, session a lot of sighing, flopping the head back to look at the ceiling, laying head down on the desk and other subtle indicators of b-o-r-e-d-o-m were present. I finally gave up and told them to go play outside.

(To their credit, this morning they woke up and asked me when school was starting!)

I decided that today was going to be a no school day. Am I a wimp or what? I got some new books related to different styles of homeschooling and I am going to devour them this weekend. I want to do school that works for my kids and me. Right now, I think I have to adjust my expectations and remember that they may be bright, but they are still only 5 and 4!

Oh, and while we are on the topic of frustration, HOW DO YOU KEEP YOUR HOUSE CLEAN AND HOMESCHOOL YOUR CHILDREN???? If I even dared to show you the state of my home... well you get the idea.

There are a lot of bugs that I still have to work out...

I just want them to love learning and not be bored out of their minds...

So today is Burn Out Friday for me. Oh, and it is also Catch-Up-On-The-Laundry/Dishes/Floors/Bathroom/Etc-Day too!

Slightly discouraged, but not willing to give up, I persevere for a better way!

Number Bingo...Works for Me!

Early this week, I happened upon a website that is chock-full of fun, creative ideas to help your children learn their numbers, learn to read, explore their world, etc. Check out www.education.com and you won't be sorry! Did I mention that it is all free, too? Oh, and they have things categorized according to age appropriateness!

We tried out Number Bingo yesterday....the boys were hooked! We "played" for about 30 minutes and then there was a lot of whining and complaining that we had to stop for recess!

You could adapt the Bingo to suit any educational need. We are going to do Letter Sounds Bingo next week.

For more helpful ideas check out Rocks In My Dryer!

It has only been three days????

Ok, I knew that teaching my boys at home was going to be a lot of work. I expected it to be a lot of work. I also expected it to be a lot of fun for me and them. Which it has been on both accounts!

Can I just say that I am exhausted and it has only been three days... (we took yesterday off to celebrate Daddy's citizenship!)

Lord help me! How am I going to survive a whole week??

We had fun in science today (my absolutely most favorite subject!) by creating water vapor...the kids were enthralled! I love it! They will remember what clouds are made of for a very long time :)

We also watched an educational video about weather today. Did you know that weathervanes started having a rooster on them when the Pope decreed that all churches weathervanes had to have a cockerel atop to remind the followers of Paul's denial of Christ? Also, I learned that the sun's energy heats up the troposphere thus creating our weather! Like I said, I LOVE SCIENCE!!!
There were some super video of lightning storms on the video too. Beautiful!

So today has gone well and now I put the pupils down for a nap... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (and maybe the teacher too...lol!)

Seeds Planted... Fruit Seen!

My husband's brother just called and asked for a Bible! When we were in Mexico, he was drinking his life away. My husband approached him with the Gospel, but he didn't want to have anything to do with God. Now, he has been sober for one month and is attending AA meetings! Praise the Lord! We are going to ship off his Bible this week!

God is faithful to His Word.

We are believing for the salvation of Mr. Querido's entire family. Eleven siblings and two parents, as well as all of the nieces and nephews too! We believe and confess that Mr. Querido is the first of his household to accept Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior. But we also believe that he is not the last! We are seeing dramatic transformation in his family's life. God is good!

The End..

Finally, after beginning the process six years ago, my husband is a bona fide citizen of the United States of America!!

He took the Oath of Allegiance today, and now he belongs to the USA!

It has been a long, arduous process, also quite expensive (we estimate that we have spent close to $8,000 total for fees and such) but God is good and it is finished!

Praise the Lord! And he gets to vote in the presidential election too :)

First Day of School

How I wish my camera was working today...alas, the batteries I bought at Dollar Tree lasted about one minute before the display told me I needed to change them...boo hoo. So no pictures of the first day.

The boys adjusted to the change in schedule really well...as did their teacher....lol!

The only disruptive student was the youngest, but she really couldn't help herself. Any ideas on a way to entertain a one year old while trying to teach her older brothers???

Wishing my printer was up and running because I definitely need some coloring pages for them!

All in all, the first day has been great! They were so excited to start this morning. We opened with prayer for God to bless our day at school, and He answered. I can't wait to show Daddy what they did today!

We made weather logs and notated what today's weather was. Sunny. Illustrations of current weather too.

We read "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" during snack. And then as a God-afterthought, I recounted to them the story of the Israelites and manna. I told them that the food falling from the clouds in the book that we read was just a silly story that someone made up, but that food really did fall from the sky in the Bible. They seemed to really hang on every word of the story of manna. It gave me opportunity to discuss complaining and trusting God to meet our needs.
I love it when God steps in and throws in something good like that! :)

We learned how to write our names properly, as well as the month, day and year. We also worked on the words: one, two, three and four..because our focus on counting for the day was 1-4. We counted 1-20 and I discovered that they have 1-10 down already and just need a little help with 11-20. (Our goal for the month is to learn to count all the way up to 50). Oh, and we also worked on sounds for the letter 'a'.

Right now it is recess time, but we have to finish one more project before school's out for the day...

Today I learned that I am a great teacher and that my kids enjoy learning from me. I also learned that having a curriculum is probably a lot easier, but doesn't leave much room for God to step in and throw in a teachable moment here and there. I also learned that teaching with three kids under the age of five can be a challenge! And I found out that I really enjoy being their teacher!