What Is Left

My paternal grandfather died July 14th, 2009 just five days short of his 90th birthday. I didn't shed any tears. How can you mourn the passing of someone you barely knew?

The whole world got to know the persona he put on display, but his own family were strangers.
The stage was his life. Everything revolved around his career.

My grandpa was someone famous. You have probably heard his voice and not even known it. Growing up, I only knew a sliver of his celebrity.

I found out more about him after he died than when he was living. How sad. I was cheated out of my grandfather by his own narcissism.

He had time to tell everyone else his stories, everyone that is but his own children and grandchildren.

And sadder still is the fact that he worked so hard to create a legacy with his voice, he ignored the creation of a legacy with his love. He left a legacy of neglect, which was passed down to my father, who in turn leaves it for me. But I refuse to embrace that legacy left to me.

When I leave this earth, I want my life to have meant something. I want it to have eternal value and leave a legacy of righteousness for my children and their children. I want my heart of compassion to be what others think of when they think of me after I am gone. No, I will not have an illustrious career such as my grandfather. I will not have a famous name and no glowing articles will be written upon my death. But I will leave something that cannot be forgotten with the passage of time.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you,"

I Peter 1:3-4

You've Got Mail!

He wrote!

My father wrote me back!

I am still in shock.

When I wrote him the letter I didn't really expect a response. But a certain part of me did expect a response. I hoped for a response. And then time passed and I figured he either didn't care or wasn't ready to respond.

But this morning I opened up my email and there was an email with the subject titled "Reconciliation."

In his email he said that he had read and re-read my letter many times. He said that he is determined to reconcile with me and my sister.

I feel like a completely different person, other than the father I knew, wrote me back. He didn't even sound the same. I detected humility in his words. Something I have never seen or experienced in my father before. He sounded truly repentant. Another first for him.

I think my father rediscovered Jesus while we were estranged. I can't wait to see if I am right!

Please pray for wisdom, strength, grace and love. For both of us.

Crime and Punishment

Let me preface this post with this disclaimer:

I love my children. They are my most precious blessings. They infuse joy and wonder into the everydayness of my life.

They also drive me up the wall some days.

Today was one of those days.

It all began after I got out of the shower and was drying my hair. I discovered that the cap on my brand new mousse, that I had just bought yesterday, was cracked. That's odd I thought to myself. I don't remember it being that way when I bought it. Then another thought occurred to me. Someone had messed with it and broken it. There were only three suspects to choose from. The first person in my line up was Mr. Querido. After a short deliberation, I decided that he wouldn't have touched my yummy smelling hair stuff because he hadn't taken a shower that morning. This left two other household members. I rounded up the alleged perpetrators.

"Who touched my mousse?" I queried. In my head I was trying to imagine what they must have been thinking: "I don't see a moose? What is Mama talking about? What moose?"

I show them the evidence.

Looking directly into the older suspect's eyes I ask pointedly. "Did you do it?"

"No. I didn't"

I remember on a crime scene show that if they are lying, people tend to look up and off to the side. Carefully I watch his eyes. Up and over they roll. Gotcha!

Just to cover my bases, I question the younger one. He says the same thing, only his eyes keep looking directly into mine. Either he is really good at lying to my face, or he is telling the truth.

"I heard Brother in the bathroom playing with your stuff." Ah-ha! A witness. Mr. Independent is not a suspect any longer. He has an alibi. He was in bed!

I close in on Mr. Dramatic. "Did you touch my stuff?"

"No."

Question and response continues for another couple of rounds. Then I ask him the motive behind his deception and destruction.

"I don't know."

At this point I close the case. Time to figure out a punishment to fit the crime. I retire to the judge's quarters to ponder sentencing.

As the judge, ahem I mean as I, put on my make up I also discover that my new eyeliner isn't twisting up anymore. That's weird I think to myself, again. I wonder why it worked last night but not this morning?

The perp struck twice! He had taken my eyeliner and drawn on the underside of the bathroom cabinet.

In desperation and extreme exasperation the judge and jury calls in the big guns.

"Mom? What do I do?!?!"

My mother, sage woman that she is, listens patiently and then proceeds to point out that he might need more to occupy his time. She says that usually when kids get into things, they are a)finding a new creative outlet, b)not thinking through the consequences, c)expressing their God-given talents and skills, d)all of the above. I decided that D was the answer to this multiple choice conundrum. She challenged me to find a different artistic outlet for him. I thought that reams of paper, oodles of crayons, markers and pencils was enough. She said that perhaps he needs a different medium to work with.

I tell you people, having creative kids is hard work!

Oh, and she also said that he needs to pay me back. Which is a bit of a problem since he doesn't have an allowance. She said to make a math lesson out of it. Get a big piece of paper, hang it up where he can see it, write the total of the items damaged on the top. Then for every chore I dream up for him to do, subtract 5-cents.

I'm going to be waiting a while for my eyeliner replacement.

I calculated it out and it will take him 139 days to earn it all.

The funny thing is, when I handed him his sentence, he seemed kind of excited about it. Is punishment supposed to be fun?

Does anyone else out there have problems with your sweet darling lying multiple times to you? Even going so far as to blame his little sister (who can't even reach the countertop yet!)?

Sigh. Just another day in the life of a stay-at-home mom.

Trying Again...

It has been almost three weeks since I sent off a letter of forgiveness to my estranged father.

I still haven't gotten a reply.

But I might have sent it to the wrong address.

So, I am going to send another one out to a more updated address I got from my sister who (unbeknownst to me) has been in letter contact with him since last year!

I have high hopes. She got some really nice sounding letters from him. Dare I say, letters that make me think he has changed from when I last knew him. However, it is easy to shine it on when you are hundreds of miles from meeting face to face. She lives in Alaska.

My dad and I live in the same state. Actually about forty minutes apart. A face to face meeting is more realistic for me than for my sister.

I went through a lot of heartache before I decided it was just time to let go of him. I don't want to have to go through that again. But without risk there are no rewards. I will however, be very careful to erect emotional barriers so as to protect my vulnerable heart. But it is hard to lay out boundaries for yourself when you want something so badly.

And I want a real relationship with my father...badly.

So, with a lot of hope and prayer, I send off a second letter.

Loosing the Silver Cord

"Or ever the silver cord be loosed, or the golden bowl be broken, or the pitcher be broken at the fountain, or the wheel broken at the cistern.
Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was: and the spirit shall return unto God who gave it."

Ecclesiastes 12:6-7 KJV

A week ago, my grandfather passed on to be in the arms of Jesus. He lived a long and full life, it was his time to return to the One Who gave him that life.

He was an amazing man, full of vitality and creativity. I am sure that my mom got her share from him! I remember him as a soft-spoken, gentle person who loved to laugh. He always had a hug for me and my sister. And when my parents got divorced, he was a source of strength for both my mom and sister (I was married by then, so my hubby was able to be my source of strength and Grandpa knew that). When I miscarried, he prayed for comfort. When our daughter, Miss Precious, was born a year later, he rejoiced with us in God's faithfulness. Family was everything to him.

This Friday I go to attend his funeral.

He will be missed. But we rejoice in the fact that he is with the One Who loves him infinitely.

"But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus."

I Thessalonians 4:13-14

Empty

After sending the letter to my father, I find that I am VERY attached to my email in-box. I keep checking it every hour or so. And it stares back at me...empty. My spam box mocks me with its contents. For all intents and purposes, it stands empty as well.

My mailbox at the curb is empty as well.

Empty. It is the same feeling that is echoed by my heart.

I cannot help but wonder if he has received my letter but chose to crumple it up and throw it away. Much like he has done with our relationship.
Or did he read every word that poured from my heart? Could he have been waiting for this courier of redemption?

But all I hear right now is the silence and the hollow echo of my mailbox as I shut it.

And my heart stands empty, waiting for his response...

Girly Grins and Giggles...

Her first Christmas, that she remembers :) Wouldn't this make the most adorable Christmas card photo?

I just cannot get enough of her grin!

Her first expression upon seeing snow...

Here she is posing coyly for the camera...she reminds me so much of my little sister!

She had discovered she could reach the chocolate shake remains that her brothers left on the table just within her reach...

There is something about her eyes that draws me in...I love her so...

When I first found out I was pregnant with our third and that she was to be a girl, I could not imagine what life would be like. Up until that point, my life had been all about little boys. But I am so thankful that God graced us with her! She brings spunk, spice and little bits of sugar into our life...calorie free too! :)

Teeter-Totter...

Recently I have been thinking about my estranged father, a lot. I have even dreamed about him once or twice. We haven't spoken in over three years.

He knows nothing about Miss Precious.

The whole thing is just too complicated to explain in one post. And far too lengthy to constrain to a couple of posts. So I will give you the brief version.

My father and mother got divorced when I was 25....I think. I can't remember that well.

His lifestyle was not one that I wanted to be displayed near my impressionable young boys (ages 3 and 1 at that point). So after trying to make our relationship work, and finding out it was rather one-sided, I decided to cut him loose.

Cutting someone out of your life isn't as easy as it sounds. With the severing comes the tearing of the soft parts in your heart. The fragile tissues of your soul that still hold onto hope of a better relationship. Those emotions don't relinquish their hold on your heart. Only by the flood of many scalding and anguished tears are those heartstrings weakened.

Eventually, I went many days, then months, then years without him coming to mind. After careful practice of pushing him aside, out of memory, I realized he had ceased to exist in my world.

Until now.

I don't know if it is just the familial atmosphere of Christmastime or just fond memories come to haunt the holidays, but for some reason, I have been contemplating contacting him.

I tried looking him up in the Yellow Pages. No listing. I even tried a person search. I found out that he was still living in the same city as before.

Here is where the complications arise. I am in the Yellow Pages too. He could find me if he really wanted to. He could call me. So why doesn't he?

All growing up I had to be the adult between us. I am tired of being the adult in my relationship with my father. I want to be the little girl who crawls up into his lap for a welcoming hug.

How I yearn for that hug.

And so I go back and forth between desperately longing to have him be part of my life, and stubbornly trying to close the door on that part of my life.

I am scared to open the door. Who is on the other side?

And of course, because I am a Christian, the issue of forgiveness arises.

Can you forgive someone and still not have them be a part of your life? Can you bring closure to the situation without talking to them?

Have I forgiven him already, but because I don't feel it, do I just continue to torture myself?

I don't hate him. I feel really nothing for him at all. Numbness born of many disappointments.

And how do I reintroduce him to my kids if I decide to let him be a part of our lives again? My oldest still remembers him at times. Oh, I have prayed that he would forget the man that didn't wish to be father or grandfather. But children love so easily and wholeheartedly. Which is why they have parents to protect them.

I am so conflicted!

I know who my father was. But what if he has changed? Does he get a second chance?

What if he hasn't changed? Can I deal with that all over again?

If it only affected me, I might have contacted him sooner. But because it includes my husband and children, I am reluctant to reconcile.

You may think that I bear bitterness and hatred toward him. I don't. There is much sadness wrapped up in my relationship with my father, but no bitterness. He was bitter, but I refused to allow that to contaminate my life. He pushed me away, not the other way around.

Please don't judge my actions. Only God can do that with accuracy.

So I go back and forth, on a teeter-totter of indecision.

Happy Birthday Mr. Querido!

What can I say about the man I love? He is everything I never knew I wanted :) His heart follows closely after God and he walks in His steps. He is calm and methodical (the polar opposite of me... lol!). He is intelligent and very creative. He thinks outside of the box when I can only see the inside. He is a man of great integrity and strong character. He stands tall when others bow to peer pressure. He is confident of where he is going and what he is doing. He is the most awesome father to our three little ones. He is someone I would be proud to have my sons emulate. And I hope my daughter finds a man similar to him to marry. He is so patient and kind. He is a faithful provider for us. And he is the first example of godly manhood I had ever been exposed to. He is Christ-likeness exemplified. He is my companion for life and someone I enjoy sharing life with. I cannot imagine life without him. We have only been married six years, yet sometimes I feel as if it has been longer because we know each other so well. I could go on and on about him but I don't have that much blogging time..lol!

So Happy Birthday Querido...I love you!

Being Molded...

This week we had a caution flag waved frantically in our face. Our six year old, Mr. Dramatic took some candy and batteries from a store while he, Daddy and brother were purchasing milk. Fortunately the shoplifting was discovered right outside the doors of the store and all items were returned, but it made us wonder why he would do that!

I talked with my sage mother, Mrs. Sparks, who proffered the suggestion that perhaps we were saying "no" to his requests too often and he felt that was the only solution to get something that he wanted.

Now, by no means does that excuse his behavior and actions, but I started to think about that and replayed all the times I had said no to a request in the past week. Let's just say I couldn't remember many times when I had said yes.

I talked with Mr. Querido about it and he agreed that we needed to say yes more. To find ways of blessing our children rather than withholding simple treats. No, they do not need a treat every time they go to a store. But a something special every now and then lets them know that we think they are special too!

If God, the perfect Father, chooses to bestow blessings on us, imperfect children that we are, shouldn't we follow the example?

Our discussion hit profound depths of all aspects of our relationship with each other as well as the kids. We discovered areas that we are lacking and places where improvement is needed. So that we didn't lose sight of the goals we had set and the standards that were raised, we wrote them down!

Here is what we came up with:

I will be a good example of order and organization to my children (this one is mine to work on!)

I purpose not to be a perfectionist toward their performance of a task, but rather I will focus on their progress and celebrate each step. (this one is Mr. Querido's)

I purpose to shape my children rather than shoving them into a perfect mold (this one is both of ours)

I purpose to value them highly as God's great reward to me, rather than viewing them as interruptions and inconveniences (ouch...this one is both ours as well)

I purpose to be an excellent, not perfect but striving toward perfection in Him, reflection of Christ's character toward my children (again, a joint effort)

I purpose to cultivate a heart of willing obedience rather than compliant behavior in my children (another one we are working on together)

I purpose not to be lazy in my parenting (yep, both of us working on this one)

I purpose to parent them with love and respect (teamwork again!)

We talked about a lot of things tonight. And the best part is we really communicated, rather than just heating up the air. We heard each other's heart in the matter and we also purposed some things to each other as well.

I wanted to put down some more thoughts about some of the goals we set, but it is late and we are up early for church tomorrow. So perhaps on Monday I will delve deeper into our parental commitment.

Seeds Planted... Fruit Seen!

My husband's brother just called and asked for a Bible! When we were in Mexico, he was drinking his life away. My husband approached him with the Gospel, but he didn't want to have anything to do with God. Now, he has been sober for one month and is attending AA meetings! Praise the Lord! We are going to ship off his Bible this week!

God is faithful to His Word.

We are believing for the salvation of Mr. Querido's entire family. Eleven siblings and two parents, as well as all of the nieces and nephews too! We believe and confess that Mr. Querido is the first of his household to accept Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior. But we also believe that he is not the last! We are seeing dramatic transformation in his family's life. God is good!

The End..

Finally, after beginning the process six years ago, my husband is a bona fide citizen of the United States of America!!

He took the Oath of Allegiance today, and now he belongs to the USA!

It has been a long, arduous process, also quite expensive (we estimate that we have spent close to $8,000 total for fees and such) but God is good and it is finished!

Praise the Lord! And he gets to vote in the presidential election too :)

Weekend Photos

Miss Precious acting coy for the camera...



My Querido and me...


Miss Precious and her namesake, her Auntie!



Pajama party with Auntie!




Miss Precious and me (a sad attempt at trying to get a picture of us together...lol)

*Sniff* Now She's Gone...

Well, she came and now she's gone. She's actually still here but she is staying with my parents before she has to leave on the plane.

It was great to see her again. We mainly just did a lot of talking. Just like old times. Nothing special, just being together was enough for me :)

I miss her already....

SHE'S COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so excited and beside myself with joy...my sister is coming to stay for a few days. She moved up to Alaska very soon after getting married last December, and I haven't seen her since then. We were best friends growing up and I never thought she would move to the middle of nowhere, hundreds of miles away from me! Anyway, I miss her terribly and am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy she is visiting for a while!!



This is a picture of her on her wedding day.....isn't she stunning? :) Do you think we look like twins?

Addicted to Weeds

My husband is addicted to weeds.


He is obsessed with their complete annhialation. The only other kind of homeowner blight that garners the same level of fervor are ants. But weeds are easier prey than insects...they can't move.

I personally don't mind the weeds on our front lawn. They are green and look quite similar to grass, so why not run with it? Oh he does, he goes at them with his little weeding fork. Which is quite comical really because there is a huge expanse of unwanted flora...it's akin to eating a woolly mammoth with a toothpick. But he valiantly fights on. It is probably because he knows that our neighbors are yard pros and could spot a weed a mile off. Blindfolded.

He endures the cramping calves, blistered palms and presses onward and downward...to the roots. Those persnickety, tenacious tap roots. Our yard has weeds with tap roots like a mosquito's proboscis, sucking the nourishment from the defenseless grass blades. But have no fear blades of grass...the Terminator has arrived!

With spray gun in hand he fires with deadly accuracy. The little water suckers don't stand a chance.

I think my husband enjoys weeding because it appeals to the testosterone in him that has urges to go out and kill something. The defender in him rises up and since this is suburbia and there aren't invading hordes to fight, he battles the weeds.

It is a bloody war and he has suffered several battle wounds. With knees stained green and fingers aching, he returns from his crusade, victorious.

My weed whacker. My dandelion slayer. My purslane predator. My clover killer. My husband.

Pieces Of My Life and My Heart...

TV or not TV...

Mr. Querido and I have been TV-less for almost a whole month. Wow. For a recovering TV-aholic such as myself, that is a LONG time! But I don't miss it. I have more time to spend reading, *cough* blogging *cough*, working on my writing, and interacting with family. That last part is important because my husband is working full time AND going to school at night (two nights out of the week). We have more time to chat in the evenings or labor in our yard.

I never realized how much time television sucked out of my life until I quit watching. Life is fuller, more vibrant without the blue flickering glow. Oh, there have been times when I felt the magnetic pull toward the Box, but I resisted. I knew that if I ever went back, I would be sucked in to that TV trance again. Besides, I need to set an example for my children. They need to know that TV is not life and cannot become a substitute for life.

My other revelation was that all my favorite TV shows didn't glorify God. Why would I want to spend time doing something that didn't bring Him glory? That is the ultimate waste of time! Not only did those shows not bring Him glory, they did not foster character traits in me that I would be proud of. My favorite "people" became replacements for the real people in my life. Even worse, they became more important. My "friends" didn't require anything from me except for my time. "They" didn't need anything or want anything. I could just sit there and not have to feel or do anything. TV was my drug of choice.

When I think back to how many hours I flushed watching frivolous junk, I want to weep. But I cannot go back and change the past, I can only go forward. And thankfully, I have woken up from the trance of the flickering blue light before it was too late.

Brotherly Love...

Almost Wordless Wednesday

Awwww....