Suffocating

This Father's Day was especially difficult for me. My father is still alive, just not very accessible. We have an email relationship. And it is very sporadic.

I don't understand how a man can tell his daughter he wants a relationship with her, but not do anything different than he did before she cut him out of her life. It is so painful to know that I mean next to nothing to him. If his efforts at rebuilding our relationship are any indication of his level of commitment, then it is going to take a l-o-o-o-o-o-o-n-g time to get to a "meet face to face" stage.

On Sunday, I was talking with a friend about how I was feeling. She was feeling the same because her father wasn't a part of her life either. She made a comment that really hit the nail on the head. She said that last Father's Day it was easy to get past all of it because she held a lot of anger toward him. But this time, she had forgiven her father and was just left dealing with the feelings of neglect. I feel the same way. It had been three years since I had talked to my dad before I reached out to him. Those three Father's Days weren't nearly as difficult as this last one. And it is because I had all that anger that I could power through the sentiment of the day. But I have chosen to forgive my dad and so there was no anger to help me get through. I was just left confused and feeling abandoned and lied to.

He said that he was going to be determined to rebuild our relationship. I gave him lattitude because of his work hours being so crazy. But today, I was on the computer for a while doing bills and I saw he was online. I put myself on as available rather than invisible and waited. While waiting I resisted the urge to instant message him. I waited. And waited. And waited some more.

Occasionally, I would check my inbox to see if he had emailed me. Empty.

I stayed online waiting for three hours and then I finally gave up.

Still no email.

He was on the computer for over three hours and he never thought once about me.

I just don't know how to deal with that. There are times I wish I had just left myself in anonymity and never contacted him. Today was one of those times. What will it take for him to want to be my father? Not just my biological parent, but a real father who cares about me?

Why is it so hard for him to love me?

I feel as if I am holding my breath, waiting for him to notice me.

My lips are turning blue.