Teeter-Totter...

Recently I have been thinking about my estranged father, a lot. I have even dreamed about him once or twice. We haven't spoken in over three years.

He knows nothing about Miss Precious.

The whole thing is just too complicated to explain in one post. And far too lengthy to constrain to a couple of posts. So I will give you the brief version.

My father and mother got divorced when I was 25....I think. I can't remember that well.

His lifestyle was not one that I wanted to be displayed near my impressionable young boys (ages 3 and 1 at that point). So after trying to make our relationship work, and finding out it was rather one-sided, I decided to cut him loose.

Cutting someone out of your life isn't as easy as it sounds. With the severing comes the tearing of the soft parts in your heart. The fragile tissues of your soul that still hold onto hope of a better relationship. Those emotions don't relinquish their hold on your heart. Only by the flood of many scalding and anguished tears are those heartstrings weakened.

Eventually, I went many days, then months, then years without him coming to mind. After careful practice of pushing him aside, out of memory, I realized he had ceased to exist in my world.

Until now.

I don't know if it is just the familial atmosphere of Christmastime or just fond memories come to haunt the holidays, but for some reason, I have been contemplating contacting him.

I tried looking him up in the Yellow Pages. No listing. I even tried a person search. I found out that he was still living in the same city as before.

Here is where the complications arise. I am in the Yellow Pages too. He could find me if he really wanted to. He could call me. So why doesn't he?

All growing up I had to be the adult between us. I am tired of being the adult in my relationship with my father. I want to be the little girl who crawls up into his lap for a welcoming hug.

How I yearn for that hug.

And so I go back and forth between desperately longing to have him be part of my life, and stubbornly trying to close the door on that part of my life.

I am scared to open the door. Who is on the other side?

And of course, because I am a Christian, the issue of forgiveness arises.

Can you forgive someone and still not have them be a part of your life? Can you bring closure to the situation without talking to them?

Have I forgiven him already, but because I don't feel it, do I just continue to torture myself?

I don't hate him. I feel really nothing for him at all. Numbness born of many disappointments.

And how do I reintroduce him to my kids if I decide to let him be a part of our lives again? My oldest still remembers him at times. Oh, I have prayed that he would forget the man that didn't wish to be father or grandfather. But children love so easily and wholeheartedly. Which is why they have parents to protect them.

I am so conflicted!

I know who my father was. But what if he has changed? Does he get a second chance?

What if he hasn't changed? Can I deal with that all over again?

If it only affected me, I might have contacted him sooner. But because it includes my husband and children, I am reluctant to reconcile.

You may think that I bear bitterness and hatred toward him. I don't. There is much sadness wrapped up in my relationship with my father, but no bitterness. He was bitter, but I refused to allow that to contaminate my life. He pushed me away, not the other way around.

Please don't judge my actions. Only God can do that with accuracy.

So I go back and forth, on a teeter-totter of indecision.